Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road

Ikari Warriors II is a special game to me because it has shaped the way I live my life. It is neither fun to play or technically impressive, in fact, all things considered it's a terrible game, but my bond with it is unforgettable. You may not understand me now, but you will after you listen to my tale of darkness and disgrace, the tale of how Ikari Warriors II came into my possesion.

It was the spring of 1989, and a kid in my Pre-School class told me about a remote forest that was what Moss-Man from Masters of the Universe called home. He told me that Hordak was spying on Moss-Man and unless I hurried out to warn him, he would be taken to the Slime Pit and killed. I didn't want that to happen so I ran into the forest as fast as I could. Before long it was almost dark and I was hungry and scared.

But then, in the distance, I heard the cries of a mother dog, not just any dog, but the angriest doberman in the entire world. Still, I approached it unafraid, and the dog knew I was a kindred spirit. Then, as if by magic, the mother dog gave birth to the three angriest doberman puppies in the world, as well as a pristine, glowing copy of Ikari Warriors II. She then looked me in the eyes, a glare that told me "Take my children and raise them to warriors of the Ikari calibur." The power of the young dog's furious spirits lead me home.

Oh yeah, I don't think that stuff about Moss-Man was true. Moss-Man probably doesn't even exist, so I wouldn't worry.

As soon as I got home, I started to play, the raspy battle cry of Paul and Vince filling the air around me. As I played on it became clear the game was subpar, but as I reached to the NES to turn it off, the three dobermans grew in size and all three sunk their razor sharp fangs into my left arm. Their violent attacks only stopped when I started playing Ikari Warriors II again.

Everyday for the next 7 years, I played Ikari Warriors II all day and night, to the point I could play a two player game myself without dying. I didn't go to school, I didn't know anyone other than the dogs, and I only ate what little scraps they brought me for dinner. Every once in a while the movie Ghost would come on TV, and we would watch that because both the dobermans and I loved it. It was my only relief from their terrifying howls. If anyone decided to badmouth either Ikari Warriors or Ghost within their earshot, they wouldn't have their vocal chords long enough to finish the sentence.

This is the last photo I have of the dobermans alive. The third doberman was off making tacos out of what was left of some guy who said Ghost did NOT make a believer out of him. The next day, tragedy struck when actual ghosts came and took them directly to heaven. I was actually kind of sad for them, they did not even get to finish their tacos.

Having finally been emancipated from their cruel rule, I thought I would never have venture down the game's ever tumultous "Victory Road" ever again. But I guess I like to cover awful games for my site, and no one's paid too much attention to this one before. So, I recently played through it again, and again, and again, all in an effort to bring you this, the internet's first and only Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road shrine. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I hated making it.

ICABOD, LET'S ROW! Or whatever the hell it is that voice says.

Section 1: Weapons, Items, and Enemies
Section 2: A visual tour of 5 horrible stages
Section 3: Odds and Ends

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