Bad Kutz: The Official Videogame

Forget about the Flattop and mash the Mullet; They are mere child's play compared to the styles you will dream up in Bad Kutz: The Official Videogame. Playing as unknown hair stylist Jean Luc LeBruno, you must outfit every one of your clients with the very worst in avant garde styling innovations.

Combine bowl cuts with rat tails, pompadours with fades, and even employ the long lost secrets of "The Gringe" in your attempts to create the ugliest hairstyle ever. Accesorize your customers with BluBlocker sunglasses and turquoise jewlery to help bring out the power of BAD KUTZ.

Gain enough notoriety and you may even take in world famous celebrities as your clients. Your final challenge is to have fifty or more BAD KUTZ on the red carpet at Oscar Night '07, causing entertainment news pundits to shrivel and mummify in front of a national audience.

Muscle Bird

In Muscle Bird, you play as ordinary cardinal Tweet Lord. Randal Sneer, world famous pervert and owner of the fattest head documented, kidnaps your girlfriend Redtail, hiding her in one of his many cranial folds. When an enraged Tweet Lord puts forth an offering of twigs and seed to his Pagan gods, he is granted the gift of an immaculately built human body, a suitable tool for rescuing his lady love from Sneer's sinister plot.

Enjoy sixteen levels of flying fat and furious fists as you pile through Randal Sneer's disgusting head in search for your girlfriend. Terrifying demons have spawned off of long forgotten White Castle hamburgers and will serve to stunt your progress, but with a combined arsenal of pure American beefcake and soothing bird songs, you can calm the beasts and force feed them to your tormenter. But beware, as witnessing Randal answer nature's messier call and enjoying hentai will send even the mind of a bird reeling into insanity.

The game ends when you rescue Redtail and stuff Randal's head so full that his curiously thin body snaps in two. Be swift about it, though, as taking too long will cause Redtail to absorb too much head stink and become a demon. This game will make even the most hardened gamer break into a anxious sweat.

Party House

In PARTY HOUSE, you play as a lion that the Burglar Brothers stole from the local Museum. One day they are teasing you and you decide "NO MORE." but you are in a cage so all you can do is growl. The game then becomes a rhythm beat game to find the world's most powerful growl. If you growl loud enough, you will shatter their teeth. If you growl louder still, it will cause their sinuses to explode out the front of their faces.

Once you do this damage to them, they begin to work out to become the world's most muscular men. During this period, the lion goes into a deep sleep and they think he is dead. They take him out of his cage and hold a muscle party, but in the lion's dream he learns the ultimate growl. During the muscle party, he wakes up and lets out a growl that causes everyone's skin to turn into liquid, and they all scream except the lion, because he is growling too loud to scream. Upstairs the burglar brothers are flexing their huge muscles, but the lion's roars shakes through their bodies, causing them to get all red and ugly, and eventually they all explode. PARTY HOUSE collapses and the police come, and they see a mass of nasty dead bodies and the cheif is like "WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL COULD DO THIS?" and then they see a lion roaring in the distance and then the rookie is like "LOOKS LIKE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION." and then the chief says "SHUT UP MCCLOUD." and the credits roll. 3 years later McCloud is fatally wounded during a drug bust and becomes the new Robocop.

Knockin' Boots: The Videogame

In this steaming fresh game you play as special agent Trent Steele. He was spending the day watching the three greatest movies of all time in order of excellence: Robocop, The Shawshank Redemption, and Robocop 3, and he found an old mystic amulet. It's power took over his body and now he is forced to knock boots at all times... Literally. Wear work boots, dress boots, cowboy boots and snake skin boots on your quest to glory. The last boss is a bald eagle, although the true villian in the game is the evil Duke.

If you beat the eagle in a boot knocking competition, the most beautiful woman in the world, Carmen Electra, will come out of the crowd in the most revealing swimsuit in the entire universe, and you will be forced to knock boots once again, this time figuratively, with a huge American flag flying in the background. Chances are, this game will only be trumphed by Who Shot Johnny Rock.

Streets Of Rage 2000

This game will be exactly like Streets of Rage 2 except all the punks and lowlifes you fight will be changed to look like Nosferatu. It will only be available through a special promotion with Colt 45.

United King Syndicate-dom Hearts

Hot on the heels of Square's best of both worlds Disney meets Final Fantasy extravaganza comes the sequel featuring the characters of Disney's unwanted 3rd cousin: United King Syndicate! In this sequel, King's Knight hunk Brave Knight Rayjack is transported to a strange new world, where he'll meet the likes of Marmaduke, Dennis the Menace, and The Family Circus. In Marmaduke's world, you live through a week of comic strips, featuring "Marmaduke! Don't dig up the lawn!" and "Don't you dare try to drive a car, Marmaduke!" Hey, Rayjack! Try getting him off that couch! You just can't! Oh, who's that waiting behind the bushes? It's comedian Gallagher, in a special guest appearence! Square is also pulling out all stops, packing the game with their biggest stars like 3-D Worldrunner and, I dunno, some dudes from their Japan only "Adventures Of Tom Sawyer." And what would the game be without the trademark Square pop song? NOTHING! And that's why Kevin Bacon's band THE BACON BROS has recorded a special version of "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong" for the game. Sources from inside say this game will be "Fun, funky, and totally fresh!" and "A Slam Dunk!" I as well share this optimistic outlook.

Write Puns For The Cryptkeeper

In this hot new game you have to write puns for the Cryptkeeper on the long running Tales From The Crypt series. It's more challenging than it sounds, and if you keep introducing stories as being "A real SCREAM" you'll be out on your keyster. Score major points for taglines such as "Father knows BEAST" and "Come on over for some GHOULash!" Watch out behind you though, because the Cryptkeeper is a master with throwing knives. You beat the game when the Cryptkeeper explodes into dust and you're finally free. His ashes will reform, leaving room open for a sequel.

Break Windows Advance

This game satisfys the bad boy within all of us: You can break any window you want, any time or place you want, with explosive 3D graphics. Use a brick. Use 2 bricks. Use 3 flaming bricks even. And when people complain, throw a brick at them too. Bonus points if they don't wake up. You beat the game when the amount of broken glass is enough to fill a football stadium, and you will be congratulated by the original bad boy, Kevin Spacey AKA K-PAX at the very end. This game will be a real Rank 7 winner.

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