The Friends Finale

For many years Friends stood tall as one of the most delightfully barbaric shows on post 1980's television, and for that my own friends and I held the show in most high esteem our hearts and minds would allow. The show was not barbaric in the typical "hulking, nearly nude buff man slicing into the evil citizens of the 'Sataria' region" sense, every new episode provided us with dramatic situations which our six heroes sliced through with incredible wit and whimsy, satisfying both Mother Earth and Father Heaven's insatiable howls for metaphorical bloodshed. The final episode, I'm gleeful to report, is no exception, and it exceeded all expectations and dropped all pretenses.

The people on the street agreed for the most part, and were salivating to provide me with their views of this epic finish.

"I was a big fan about how the battle with the man sized tarantula played out," said Jake Rivers, a father of three from East Bat Hollow, Virginia.

I agree wholeheartedly. Throughout the run of the series, that man sized tarantula, or "Manrantula", has been lurking upon the walls of Central Perk, the main hangout of the Friends crew. We would see the dreaded spider spying on Chandler and the gang from it's favorite corner, weaving a web of literal and figurative mystery. I more than others would ask myself "What IS its purpose? Where does its fate intertwine with that of our Friends?"

On the final episode we learned just that, when Ross, fed up after all these years, screamed a primal cry that only the spider could understand and ripped off his shirt, causing fear to glaze over the arachnid's eight beady eyes. When he proceeded topless to Manrantula's corner and ripped it from its hazy comfort, Mother Earth jumped with giddy satisfaction, Father Heaven wept tears of joy, and thus, a battle was born.

As Ross wrestled with Manrantula's fearsome mandibles and braved it's poisonous hairs, all watching, whether they were male or female, straight or gay, were frightened by the display of the true amazing power of man, while at the same time being compelled in such a way that only Ross's incredible erotic touch could satisfy. Our confusion came to an abrupt end when the doe eyed hero, overcoming the world destroying level of poison coursing through his veins, lifted the Manrantula over his head and sent it squealing into the vast opaqueness of death by snapping it in two, resulting in the most amazing olive green goo explosion ever laid eyes upon by man or beast, as well as a collective spiritual orgasm among each member of the viewing audience. The pleasure, however, soon sunk to the very depths of anguish when millions of small tarantulas swarmed from the discarded carcass of their parent and devoured Ross to the bone.

Mike Garcia, father of four from the bowels of St. Paul, Minnesota, was generous enough to look up from his hentai game for one fucking second and say: "The cameo appearance by the Cyborg from 'Bridget Jones's Diary' really drove me wild."

You're an amazing human being, Mike. When a pack of vagrant apes began disrupting Ross’s funeral by tossing pineapples, the Cyborg emerged from an adjacent Hardees restaurant, and in a feat of strength that would have amazed even the most jaded strongman, ripped the building from the ground and tossed it onto the gang of gorillas with little effort. He subsiquently tore the eyeball out of the recently deceased leader ape and offered it to Rachel as a show of Cyber-Affection, which she only accepted after changing into a highly sensual American flag bikini. In reaction to the gleeful sight, the Cyborg used his infamous Power-Punch on Chandler for no reason whatsoever, sending actor Matthew Perry to a very real early grave. I was lucky enough to be in attendance at his funeral, but I was seated next to a guy who kept laughing because he was thinking of sports bloopers.

"The Thompson Twins reunion at the end made me want to brush my teeth with bird shit," stated father of six Belinda Jacobs, a distasteful hag from Toronto County, Colorado.

Mrs. Jacobs may hold down a lucrative night job at a major warehouse, but to give her any attention is to be paid the wages of a fool! The Thompson Twins may not have played "Hold Me Now" or "Doctor, Doctor" but their performance of "Lies, Lies, Lies" was astounding, and their new song "2bad 3funky" only went the extra mile. I fantasize over a Laserdisc release of the performance that I can add to my already hearty collection.

A standard performance by even The Thompson Twins would not do the Friends Finale justice, but fortunately their appearance did not stop there. They picked Cyborg and the remaining Friends out of the crowd, and brought them on stage just so the whole crowd could feel the power. Cyborg then lifted his fist into the air, causing Joey to disappear in a flash of light, a fitting punishment for his numerous crimes of incompetence over the years. In a state of sheer awe, the three girls spontaneously removed their clothes to reveal three more patriotic bikinis, the most sensual of which belonged to Phoebe, which had Uncle Sam’s head on the right breast and his pointing hand on the left. Impressed by the freedom inspired garments, The Thompson Twins offered the quartet a Phoenix Feather to revive their three deceased companions, but they instead chose to revive Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot Pizza for what was easily the most sexsational pizza party since biblical times.

After the pizza party wound down and the screen faded to black, Cyborg’s two fists tore through the blackness, “THE” written on one fist and “END” written on the other. Mother Earth and Father Heaven, satisfied by this intense and fluid filled finale, slipped into a joyous oblivion, and all the problems of the world disappeared once and for all. All shall hail the Friends finale as mankind’s greatest moment until the very end of time.

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