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Just seventeen more games to cover and we can put this whole sorted mess behind us. We might survive as shattered husks of human beings, each day taking the Night Train to Thunderbird country to drown out the pain of our battles, but at the very least we can say that when the egg dropped, we tasted the bitter yolk and came out of it with our lives. Come to my side and swallow the glass with me, my bretheren. It won't result in any riches or nudity, but anything this trying has to build some character, and isn't that what life is really about?
 Micro-Mike: There's a wall in level 1 that was seemingly impossible to clear. And under normal circumstances, it was. Then the level designs glitched out, and to my dismay I found myself clearing this wall and eventually meeting a boss I couldn't be bothered to defeat. A game that actually requires a glitch to occur for you to complete it. It's so back asswards, it's almost brilliant.
 Underground: Just another sad, broken game, wallowing among it's sad, broken brothers. Not the worst, but of course nothing you'd want to play minus a gun to your head.
 Rocket Jockey: Loop over and over and over again through the same empty level. They try to pretend there is a stage 2, but it is actually a carbon copy of the first. Clever, clever, Active E., but this foul ruse was appearent to me.
 Cry Baby: Mobsters and babysitters. The two greatest enemies of any infant come together to meet their doom at the spray of your baby bottle. Dust bunnies also make an appearence.
 Crazy Shuffle: More tiny, eyesight destroying sprites and gameplay fresh out of the Ass Factory.
 Fuzz Power: Play as a disgusting, hairy man who gets shaved down into his birthday suit as you take damage. The last thing I ever needed to see was the exposed buttocks of Mash Man's twin brother.
 They Came...: They came, they saw, they bored me to tears. This game is so bland it made me angry.
 Lazer League: Another "Move your ship to the bottom of the screen and succeed" vertical shooter. I'm beating level 1 as I type this, and the controller is far from my hands.
 Bits and Pieces: Play as a zombie with the face of a bird and a spring in his step (I guess he's happy to be sort of alive). The levels are all the same, but at least they had the decency to change the scenery this time around.
 Beeps and Blips: Practically the same game as "They Came." They just swapped the graphics and made it so the power-ups you collect actually do something.
 Boss: The title character is a lizardman with a tommy gun and a fedora. If they were still around, I would sue Active Enterprises for raiding my crayon drawings.
 Dedant: Ants finally get their day in the sun in Dedant. This game is kind of like Millipede, except playing it causes stomach convulsions and internal bleeding.
 Hambo's Adventures: Help Hambo escape his final fate of joining the veritable wildlife of animals present in a can of Hormel Chili. His adventure is fun, ugly, and terrible all wrapped up in confounding little package.
 Jigsaw: As it's name suggests, this game is about a handiman who has to destroy his tool set, which has come to life. If you like this game, you may want to check out my upcoming video game, Dance Madness. It follows a firefighter on his quest to rid his town of ghost flames.
 Ninja Assault: At first glance, this was similar to and almost as bad as Slashers. But surprise, surprise, they actually put an unusual amount of effort into this one, and each stage plays somewhat differently. However, not breaking from Action 52 tradition, glitches and other miscellaneous faults keep it from ever approaching "okay" territory.
 Robbie 'n the Robots: Walk to the right and shoot. Jump when necessary. Make sure your brain has been put away someplace safe to avoid damage. You're not going to need it, anyway.
 The Cheetahmen: ... huh...? |