Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road

Weapons: Type B

Machine Gun: Don't use this if you can help it.
Flamethrower: Even in a game this sad, flamethrowers keep much of their real world amazingness intact. It's the only B-Type weapon that can do damage to bosses or destroy walls.
Boomerang: Despite not being a flamethrower, this is the best weapon to use through most of the game. It can shoot in many directions fairly quickly and it has the best range.
Sword: Well, it is the rarest of the four weapons, but it's certainly not the best. Letting enemies get too close to you in this game is a bad idea, and that's just what the sword does. So it's probably little worse than the machine gun, if you can believe it. Because I know it's pretty unbelievable.

Weapons: Type A

Grenades: Good old reliable grenades will get you through a lot of tough spots. They do damage to bosses when you have no flamethrower, and hold your hand when you feel sad after watching Elimidate.

Landmines: Alright, now this is the worst weapon in the game. Unless the enemy is like right next to you, there's not much of a chance you'll hit it with the landmines. Luckily, there isn't a single point of the game where they're forced upon you.


Stopbolt: The power of thunder causes the ground to quake, freezing enemies, including bosses, in their tracks.
Killbolt: Sometimes life gets hard and when that happens use Killbolt to destory all onscreen enemies.
Potion: If you tell someone this refills your health bar and they say "Bullshit!" you better reply "Bulltrue!" because that is exactly what this potion does.
Jetpack: With this you can soar over any obstacle in the background and not have to fumble with the game's clumsy and slow controls for a few seconds. You can still get hit by enemies, though.
Clock: This will send you back a screen or two, allowing you to re-visit a shop. It's kind of like Back to the Future, except on a really small scale and there's no incest humor.
Armor: You don't have to be cool to rule my world, or for a kiss from the chapped lips of Ikari Armor. This will make you invincible for a limited amount of time, but you will only be able to fire your weapon forwards.
Arrow: This can kill any boss in the game in a single hit. They aren't very hard anyway, but I suppose it's a good time saver.

Enemies (In order of appearance. I don't know their real names so I've given them my own.)

Stage 1:

Bumblebad: Adorable little Bumblebad slowly walks toward you for a hug, so why not give him one... with the searing hot arms of the flamethrower, that is! If Bumblebad were real, I would share a memory with him.

Spider Ape: Spider Ape might move fast, but he isn't too much of a threat. If Spider Ape were real, I would make sandwiches out of him.

Bat Bizzare: Bat Bizarre is probably the most plentiful enemy in the game, making appearences in every stage, as well as the gauntlets at the end of each stage. He may swerve at you, he may come at you diagonally, or he may just stand still. If Bat Bizzare were real, I would NOT make sandwiches out of him.

Lil' Dude 2000: Lil' Dude 2000 moves left, right, up, and down erratically, without any regard whatsoever. If Lil' Dude 2000 were real, I'd die in his arms under the Cherry Moon.

Lil' Dude 3000: Behaves in the same way as Lil' Dude 2000. If Lil' Dude 3000 were real, I would buy him rollerskates.

Stage 2:

Statueman: Statueman greets you at the beginning of every stage after the first, firing deadly, one hit kill beads at you. The best way to avoid them is to use the Jetpack. If Statueman were real, I would treat him to the tallest ice cream cone in the state.

Macho Mac: Macho Mac comes at you quickly, moving in an L-Shape. He can't be harmed by the machine gun, but if you can make it past him, he can't move upwards so you'll be safe. If Macho Mac were real, I'd take him to see "Willard".

Stage 3:

Lil' Dude 4000: Is the same as Lil' Dudes 2000 and 3000. If Lil' Dude 4000 were real, I would discuss with him the secrets of King Tut's Tomb.

Old Man Swamp Thing: Old Man Swamp thing is a master of walking and shooting. He's usually behind a wall or something, though, so all you really have to worry about is his shot. If Old Man Swamp Thing were real, I would write a song about him called "Honey Avenue Kisses."
Stage 4:

Ladybug: No, not "Ladybugs" starring Rodney Dangerfield, although that is a great movie. Ladybug moves at you in a straight vertical line. He's not too much trouble but he may come out of the screen very quickly, so be careful! If Ladybug were real, I would make him feel like a movie star.

Section 1: Weapons, Items, and Enemies
Section 2: A visual tour of 5 horrible stages
Section 3: Odds and Ends

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