While I wish I could say that I was above the world of Hollywood gossip, there's a part of me that craves to know the deepest, darkest secrets of society's greatest heroes. On the same accord, however, I can't help but be disgusted by the utter uselessness of the celebrity dirt that drops scat all over our faces via the mainstream media. I don't care that Bruce Willis had his implants removed. I don't care the Micheal Caine has returned to his slutty ways. And above all else, I don't care that Burt Reynolds just had a barbarian airbrushed on the side of his van*. So I took it upon myself to delve deep into the seedy underworld of tinseltown and bring back some hot gossip about celebrities that's actually worth talking about.
At the age of 70, Charles Grodin has seen a great many things, and experienced even more. What's even more amazing is that his leathery good looks are still as well preserved as they were when he starred in the 1994 comedy smash, Clifford! When we spoke to Grodin earlier this morning, we asked him which moment in his long life was his proudest. He was happy to recount this amazing experience:
"I was in Japan working with Nintendo to make a game based on my life. There was this Miyamoto guy walking around acting like he had bigger balls than me, and I'm sitting there thinking, 'Keep dreaming pal, you can't top the C.G. pair!' When his shitty smug attitude got the best of me, I lifted him over my head, snapped him in two, and tossed him off the goddamn building." Sources say he then added a new feather to his trademark fedora cap, triumphant that another "asshole" had been "Grodinized." Previous assholes include Sir Anthony Hopkins, Sir Paul McCartney, and Christian Slater. Shigeru Miyamoto spent his final days in the hospital, painfully putting the finishing touches on Grodin's video game, which went on to be the tri-international mungo-hit, Pikmin.
What few people know about Jennifer Connelly is that she stands 7 foot 9 and can take a shotgun blast standing up. In a bizzare interview just last week, the stunningly beautiful Mrs. Connelly stated that her next goal in life is to swallow Charles Grodin whole. Grodin could not be reached for comment.
Charlton Heston is a devout yet heavily closeted Scientologist who can devour a watermelon telepathically with the power of faith.
After her oft talked about and painful break-up with Sasha Mitchell (Step By Step's "Cody" and star of Kickboxer) in 2003, the already elusive Winona Ryder was said to have fled to to her hometown of Wynona, Minnesota to work on her Estes model rocket collection and build up her Phantasy Star Online characters. However, the true reason for her pilgrimage back home is more likely because of it's proximity to one of the few remaining Little Caesar's franchises in the state.
"That Crazy Bread is no joke!" She told Time Magazine in an unpublished 2004 interview. "I'm getting REAL sweaty just thinking about it."
Now clocking in at an impressive 450 lbs, Ryder is still ranked "pound for pound" the most beautiful woman in the world by local pervert Randal Sneer. "She may be packing the pudge, but she's got some holes I'd like to nudge! Wait, wait, I got another one! Even though she piled on the fat, the Sneerman would stroke..." In a hilarious and vastly fortunate coincidence, Sneer suffered a stroke mid sentence and has yet to recover.
Anthony "C-3PO" Daniels was savagely beaten by a group of overzealous Star Wars fans when he commented at a recent convention that he would like to live in an apartment in George Lucas's substantial neck fat. The fans issued a public apology when they learned that Lucas was indeed building property in the many folds of his chin, and that Daniels REALLY needed a cheap place to live.
Living with the Bubonic Plague, and loving it.
A brutal convicted rapist whose heart regains warmness little by little with each postcard he recieves that brings news of someone naming their dog Bob Barker.
"That wonderful little pun delights me to no end," he told Diane Sawyer in a candid interview. "It makes me realize it's just not worth it to return to the clink."
*(There are actually few things I care more about than Burt Reynold's new Barbari-Van. I was just trying to prove a point. A point I no longer remember.)