It's all downhill from here, my friends. I'm sure it would be conceivably possible to write paragraphs about the 34 games uncovered as of yet. However, as I would rather take a bite out of a rotting deer carcass, I'm not going to do such a thing. I would be remiss, though, if I were to do an Action 52 feature without at least touching upon the remaining titles.
Strap yourself in, because I can't guarantee your safety from here on out.
Firebreather: A two player game of dragon combat. I once played a few rounds of it against a friend on his modded X-Box. Within three levels, we melded together into a giant, sentinent teardrop.
G-Force Fighter: I was able to beat (and by beat I mean I played it until it looped back around to stage 1) this vertical shooter by simply moving my ship to the middle of the screen and firing continuously. L to the O to the W quality.
Silver Sword: If you were screaming for a medieval version of Sombreros, it would probably be for the best if you just forget how to breathe someday.
Critical Bypass: It is CRITICAL that you BYPASS this one! (STOP GROANING)
Jupiter Scope: This is what it would be like if people programmed games on White Castle hamburgers instead of computers.
Alfredo 'n the Fettuchini: Appearently this game doesn't load when being played on an actual NES system. Is it a glitch, or punishment for all the dirty outlaws who can play it? I can only bet on the latter.
Operation Full Moon:
Sgt. Ducky: PRIVATE DANIELS! Who's the commanding officer in charge of Operation Full Moon?!
Pvt. Daniels: Sarge! The whole troop has been POISONED!
I don't know where I'm going with this. Anyway, this game sucks.
Dam Busters: You play as a giant beaver who tosses oranges. No one's gonna steal your berries! When you beat the game, the cartridge releases a real beaver, and the true bloodbath begins.
Thrusters: The game is called "Thrusters" and your spaceship looks like a dick. Coincidence?
Chill Out: Finally, the issue of eskimo-on-eskimo violence has been addressed by a video game. Wait, nevermind, I forgot about "BLOOD IGLOO."
Sharks: In theory, this is a game about killing sharks. In practice, it is a game about swimming around like an asshole waiting for sharks to appear at a rate of one a minute.
Megalonia: Stage one strategy: Move ship to the bottom of the screen and set the controller down. Kill the boss if it shows up.
I think that pretty much says it all.
French Baker: Having two food themed games (this and Alfredo) on Action 52 is enough to make me never want to eat again.
Atmos Quake: NEStopia did not like this game. It's like it knew I was suffering.
Meong: Guide an A52 emblem through a booby trapped grid. You'd think the game where Action 52 itself is the main character would be one of the worst, but surprise! It's not completely terrible.
Space Dreams: Pachelbel's Canon is vaguely recognizable in this game's background music. I'm sure that in retaliation, Pachelbel recomposed in his grave only so he could rot again out of sheer dissatisfaction.
Spread Fire: Picture, if you will, what Galaga would have been like had it been programmed in an hour. Now, imagine someone making a clone of the game that would've been within ten minutes of their spare time. Voila! We just painted an accurate mental picture of Spread Fire.
My discovery and subsiquent inability to be pull myself away from Action 52 leads me to believe that it was brought into my life as a punishment for past sins. Listed below are some of the more serious karmic offenses from my younger days that likely had something to do with this sad state of affairs.
- Once, I snuck up on my dog while she was drinking out of the toilet and flushed it. Soon after, I went downstairs to find her hiding under the dining room table, shaking as if she were in an Usher video. But Usher was nowhere to be found, and the animal was, in fact, terrified.
- A quote from the 7/28/1999 update at NESWORLD.com:
"As many of you probably have read on |tsr's board, SNES Zelda has been ported to the Famicom. I will try to obtain a copy from Russia, I bet they have it there by now, and then get it dumped."
This stemmed from a lie I told under a fake username. What can I say? I was an idiot in my teenage years.
- I threw a He-Man figure at a girl's head in pre-school. I did this because she kissed me.
- I live next door to a folk musician who wrote me a nice little birthday song when I was very young. He'd play the song whenever he spotted me around the neighborhood, and I hated it. One day, I went up to him and let him know exactly how I felt about the song he wrote for me. And even though I was just a tactless little five year old at the time, the man looked genuinely heartbroken.
I wouldn't be surprised if the idea for The Cheetahmen popped into it's creator's head at the exact moment my tirade started.
I hope the fact I was a bratty child and a stupid teenager won't keep you from reading forward into my Action 52 feature. Just a few more games, and we're done!