Mash Man

Playing Mash Man is like drinking a glass of rancid pickle relish juice. Thereís nothing good about it but you simply must in the name of progress. Anyway, Mash Man once lived the good life reading Heathcliff all day and night and drinking orange soda as his only means of sustenance. This caused his feet to grow to an amazing size. Now, he works in the basement of a TJ MAXX, where his gigantic feet crush monster eyeballs in a disgusting explosion.

Every one of the three stages is exactly the same and I if thereís a hell I imagine itís having to play through them for all eternity in a room thatís painted like the stage in Non-Human. Contradictory to what I said at the beginning, there is one good thing about Mash Man: Itíll probably take you about five minutes to beat. Then again those five minutes would be better spent thinking about the old Nickelodeon show Nick Arcade, which was a great show and I wish everyday I could see it again.

Billy Bob

This is the worst game Iíve ever played. Itís your basic Prince of Persia rip-off, and that combined with the nuclear-wasteland control of your average Action 52 game is a recipe for complete disaster.

Then again, Billy Bob doesnít control like your average Action 52 game. No, it controls much worse. Youíll often stall while running forward and you have to press the jump button at precisely the right moment or youíre screwed. And even when you try those jumps, youíll probably stall and fumble around with the controls until you get moving again, although more likely than not a rock will fall on you and send you right to the start of the stage. I canít make the controls sound bad enough, the only way to see how putrid they truly are is to play the game for yourself.

The controls and cheap level design will many times make falling objects unavoidable, and since they fall at random, itís often a matter of luck whether or not youíll survive past the first screen. The narrow pathways of level 2 are a good example of this. It was like, there are two pits to jump across, but the first one has an arrow about to fall over it, so jumping over would be fatal. Then again, stopping to wait for the arrow to fall is fatal too, because youíll probably sail off the edge of the cliff trying to get your guy to move again. The only solution here is to turn off Billy Bob and go light up a fat one, seriously man 420 4ever.

Just kidding. But what is serious, so dead serious that they buried it twelve feet deep rather than six is that this game sucks. I donít even think thatís an opinion. It has to be a fact that this game is awful. I cannot imagine a single person liking this, and whatís more I canít imagine the guy who made all these games playing this and not realizing something was wrong. If Non-Human and Cheetahmen didnít do it, then Billy Bob certainly should have.

Iím so glad I didnít shell out $80 for crap like this all those years ago. I think, had I done so, and then seen the actually quality of it all, I wouldíve cried. No joke. Hell, I got it for free at the age of 18 and I still kind of want to cry.

On to more Action 52 games!

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